Posted by Jesse Andrew
I recently had the pleasure of sucking on a natural tit as opposed to my ex-girlfriend’s manmade parts, and I have to say—there really is nothing sweeter than a good old-fashioned titty made from scratch.

Nothing but cum and egg and mama’s genes! No silicone, saline, or any other weird solutions. A real titty feels more intimate, as if closer connected, whereas a fake tit puts out the whore vibe. By default, dudes don’t take women with fake tits seriously. No one wants to admit it, but chicks with fake tits are viewed as whores because it was whores that first invented them—women such as Anna Nicole Smith, Pamela Anderson, and whatever bitch Ice-T is fucking (plus all those hoes in Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin’” video). But this isn’t a stab at my ex-girlfriend or whatever woman reading this with unnatural breasts; I’m only writing the unspoken truth. Even though Nik Richie and his vast army of followers would highly disagree (but they’re all kooks, anyway), most men prefer natural tits.

And with that I present the top ten best natural tits list!

10. Miranda Kerr
Look at those delicious bite-sized nuggets! Yum! Yum!! Did you just cum in your pants? Me, too. Can you imagine coming home from work to find these perky little mits jumping up and down on the bed while Miranda is chanting, “FUCK ME! FUCK ME!! FUCK ME!” She’s been holed-up indoors all day on Facebook and you’re FINALLY fucking home to fuck her brains out and then spoon on the couch watching Louie. Why can’t this dream come true for me?

9. Anne Hathaway 
Sometimes a dude wants a big ol’ mouthful of titty. These are the kind of tits we like to suck up in our mouths and then stretch away from her chest as if trying to pull off her nipples. How can these pillows not turn any gay man straight? Maybe I would better understand homosexuality if men had tits because without boobies sex is bullshit. We can fuck ’em, cum on ’em, squeeze ’em, and try to cram the entire things in our mouths. Big tits are awesome! This picture is taken from the movie Brokeback Mountain and wasted on a man who would rather be sucking on another dude’s asshole.

8. Miley Cyrus
Yes, I know. I’m a skeevy little perv, but fuck you. Nineteen-year-old tits are like the fountain of youth and taste so fucking good in your mouth it could bring any dead man back to life. I’m serious. Dig up Tupac, let Miley put one of her tiny tits in his mouth, and the dude will come back to life (but only for 24 hours.) Those are the rules of 19-year-old tits. The same goes if she farts in your mouth.

7. Phoebe Cates 
“I know how hot you think I am, Brad.” Remember that shit? The dude was jerking off in the bathroom to these perky tits and so was every man watching. I’ve blown many a young teenager load to these Fast Times at Ridgemont High movie tits. I bet they taste like Hawaiian Tropic coconut suntanning lotion. I’m having a strange urge to kiss on her belly button, but this is about tits, so let’s focus on that.

6. Amy Smart 
These are the kind of tits that make a dude cum in minutes. Blond hair, perky tits, and morning-after-partying-all-night sex. You tried to fuck her the night before but were too wasted, and now staring at these gems in the morning sunlight is enough to make your balls barf in seconds. What is it about blondes and little trailer-park tits that we love so much? It’s like fucking your cousin; it’s disgusting, but we love it. This woman could fuck me every morning for the rest of my life and I’d still never last longer than a Doritos commercial.

5. Rosario Dawson 
These are those National Geographic titties we grew up watching on television and then tried to replay on the backs of our eyelids while jerking off in bed. You don’t know whether to suck on ‘em or tackle the bitch before she eats you or something. These are cannibalistic tits. Be careful.

4. Nicole Eggert 
You have to admire a woman who says no to big-ass retarded breast implants. These are tiny surfer-girl, Southern California, Huntington Beach, perky tits all the nerdy boogie-boarders jerk off to every night. I know because I was once one of them. Kelly Slater was onBaywatch and played Nicole’s boyfriend, which means I’m sure he sucked on these twice before switching to the man-made rocks on Pamela Anderson’s chest. What a dumbass. PS: Any woman named Nicole with tiny tits is worth fucking 300 times.

3. Madchen Amick 
Did you ever watch Twin Peaks? If not, than you probably have no idea who this chick is, but peep her dark Hershey’s Kisses nipple tits! I bet they actually taste like chocolate, too. These are those foreign-country titties you come across while backpacking through Germany and spend all night sucking on knowing damn well you’ll never see her again. That’s why they taste so good.

2. Alyssa Milano
Look at these beautiful things! I enjoy a bigger areola because it puts off a vibe of maturity as if she takes it in the ass and she’s been doing so since you were a little boy playing dress-up in your mom’s closet. These tits are down to be abused and squeezed so fucking hard she screams and then cums two pints of thick pussy juice on your crotch. Wow, that one kind of got away from me at the end. I’m horny now. Good job, Alyssa!

1. Kelly Preston
Good Lord. Put a workout headband in this woman’s hair and my balls will go off like a nuclear bomb leaving a mushroom cloud through the ceiling. It’s too bad these things are wasted on John Travolta because clearly that dude is gay and holds zero interest in licking these soft beautiful tits until his tongue falls off. These are the kind of tits that taste so warm in your mouth it actually tricks your brain into thinking she’s melting.
And that’s a wrap! Does everyone have a boner now? No of course not, we’re grown, but at 14 years old this list would have had my cock harder than your girlfriend’s nipples on payday.